My alarm went off at 6:45am as usual. I got up and ready for work, the same routine that I’ve had for the last 5 years. I was (and still am) wearing the anklet I made out of raffia and nettle at the year 7 residential last week. It’s falling apart, but I don’t want to take it off.
No Longer A Teacher
Once I’d got to school, time flew by. I cleared out my desk, said goodbye to my form, taught my last couple of lessons and before I knew it, I was no longer a teacher. Saying goodbye was overwhelming and emotional. When my goodbye video went up in assembly, there was a chorus of “aww” as students realised I was leaving. The next hour was filled with hugs and tears and goodbyes and good lucks. Students and staff were throwing their arms around me with tears in their eyes, telling me they’d miss me. I struggled to keep it together.
I was choked again as I took down the photos stuck around my desk. Photos from my first year at the school, pictures of me with various members of staff, some who left a few years back, some who I still see every day. Or, at least I did, until now. Snapshots of some of the happiest memories of my life, that I hardly ever even looked at when they were stuck up right in front of my eyes.
To The Pub!
After work, a big group of us headed to the pub. All kinds of teachers, old and new, gathered to celebrate getting to the end of the year. There were teachers from many different departments, there were LSAs, there were teachers who had been there for years and teachers who had just finished training who were preparing to start their careers in September. I couldn’t help but feel jealous of those new ECTs (as they call them now). They were full of enthusiasm and excited for their future. None of them have any idea how difficult and exhausting and soul destroying full time teaching is. But they also don’t know how much they are going to adore the other members of staff who will go through it with them. They don’t know how much they’ll laugh at the Christmas parties, and sqeal with delight on results day when all the hard work was worth it in the end. They have no idea what a rollercoaster lies ahead of them. It’s been one hell of a ride, and I have loved it, and I have hated it, and I’m more scared now that I’m off of it.
Hitting Home - It's Over
When I got home I cried and cried. I don’t remember a time where I have ever felt this broken. I worked so hard to become a teacher, I overcame so many challenges, and eventually I burnt out. I know leaving was the right decision, and I know that for 90% of the year, I was overworked and miserable. However, I have made some incredible memories with some fantastic people, and the good times have been so unbelievably special. When I look back on my first day as a teacher, my heart hurts. I remember it like it was yesterday. That 24 year old girl thought she'd found a job for life, and she was so happy.
Anyone Got Any Ideas?
So, what now? I need a new career! I have six weeks to find a new job and I have no idea what I want to do. I am nervous and excited and relieved and concerned. I want to make sure I take the time to rest, but also use the time wisely to job hunt. I have plans to see the people who I want to stay in touch with from school over summer. I’m also going to Cornwall with my entire family, and I’m not sure if that will be a break or a nightmare!
Is this the end of my blog? Of course not. I love writing, and now I might actually have the time to post! I don’t think I’ll ever teach again, but I also don’t want to speak too soon! Up until today, teaching was the hardest thing I had ever done. Today, leaving teaching was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
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